Rindu

Diantara deru suara kereta api
Membelah awan yang pucat
Burungpun tersentak dari lamunan
Pelan, kuhirup udara sesak kota
Menghayal dalam lukisan bunga yang berdebu

Koreografi kisahmu, terukir dalam puisi
Lembar demi lembar, ...memecah rindu
Aku rindu ...
Rindu debu kotamu
Oh, Satria Pembelah Bulan
Kau merenggut cintaku
Semoga puisi indahmu, terpatri dalam gerakanku

That First Hijab Day :)

So I could not sleep at all on Nov 1 night, after thinking, and thinking, and holding colorful hijab in my hands. I tried it and looked at myself in the mirror. I know I am fine, but somehow deep down inside my heart I have this little fear of facing the other side of me, the rebellion side of me. It was not an easy decision,....the responsibility of a hijaber, in my perspective, is huge. I had promised myself, and to Allah, that if I wear hijab, at least I should be able to talk about Islam - talk about how Islam appreciate women, value women above anything else... As a hijaber, I should educate myself, remind my husband, and teach my kids, on Islam. Will I be able to enter that stage in my life? Gosh... I read more references, looked into the face of my husband and kids, how I appreciate the way he is teaching me about Islam - a perfect one indeed...and also how my kids also allow me to learn as a parent... I read more about the hadith on hijab,.... The background of the thoughts behind hijab, figures who are facing good life after hijab, those who face challenges... I remember falling asleep at 3AM.

The next morning, things run as usual. I put on my simple black top, a pair of jeans, then.... I looked into my hijab, or that time I call them scarfs, drawer. I pulled a large black scarf my mother in law gave to me some years ago and had been in that drawer untouched. I wrapped it around my head. I took a deep sigh. I put on my make up and throw a vintage necklace. Took another deep sigh. Am I ready? Yes, .... I thought to myself. Then I set up my goal! I only need 3 days to adapt to the changes! 3DAYS!!! I rushed outside and called Jules. He smiled at me and was like. "Are you sure?" ; with confident I explained it to him. He smiled and said I looked good in it, but most of all is what is inside, which he, as the only person who knows me inside out after my parents and myself, believed strongly that I can do this :)

So we drove to work, and on the way I felt his warmth ness on my decision on hijab. He reminded me of all the challenges I might face from so many things... he reminded the strong women in Islam, the teaching, the Islamic view on women, background of hijab,.,. then got to my office... Then I remember thanking him for all his support on whatever it is my decision and I remember both of my girls! Dasha And Aqila, kept chirping to tell me that I will be fine. Tears went down a bit, not because of sadness, but more of tears of joy, like when you get married, or having babies..or perhaps see the Kabah (even though I never got there yet).... So Allah please help me to be strong....

It's all about personal choice, I mean sholat, fasting, charity, and also hijab. My hijab is not to state that I have changed, I simply wear it because It is my choice to do so, and to run my 'personal business' with my Creator. Tis also does not mean I will see others differently, or see the world differently. Still the same old me.

Hijab is my freedom, as a woman, my choice and I love my family for the support, also my dear friends... If int he next days I changed back, or in the next years, again it will be all my choice. But I say naudzubillah kin zallik to that, as I plan and hope for this hijab to be with me forever. But with all the flaws you might see of me, give me a break,... I am only human :)

Indeed I have done mistakes in the past. Big ones, small ones. I have done things that hurt people,... Things that I so regret but could not change. I cannot change my past, but certainly use all the lesson from it. And I hope those I have hurt can open their kind heart for forgiveness.

So yes, on November 2, 2012,.... Writer of this blog is officially a woman with hijab, and I am proud of it!!!

I need to do more

Migod I need to do more!

I need to do more.
Bleah.... I need to do more.
I need to do more?
More?

More!!!
More!
MORE!
Yippie... I need to do more!

:) and I CAN!

Energi Itu Mahal.

Tidak ada puisi hari ini. Tidak ada apa-apa.
Selain mata mengantukku yang tidak bisa mendapatkan nikmatnya tidur.
Setumpuk pekerjaan dan cita-cita yang masih terabaikan.
Aku perlu energi. Tapi tidak dalam bentuk jamu atau kapsul.
Aku perlu perubahan.
Perubahan dalam otak dan hati.
Untuk memacu energi, seperti mesin uap terhadap kapal yang mau berlayar.

Sekarang sudah Desember.
Resolusi tahunan yang memuakkan dan tidak tercapai sudah hampir masuk tengat waktu
Seperti Presiden, aku harus membuat laporan tahunan untuk diriku sendiri yang juga jadi parlemen.
Untuk segudang program kerja yang aku rancang buat diriku sendiri.

Kadang, terhadap diri sendiri aku merasa seperti pemerintah negara "Cincai-cincai" ini..
penuh dengan rencana matang dan ikhtiar,
tapi belum implementasi.

Energi itu mahal.

Kau cermin, tetapi bukan bayangku

Kau riak, tetapi bukan airku

Kau hujan, tapi bukan langitku

Hanya sebahagian kecil

Dalam jam, menit dan detik

Kita duduk, berbicara dalam hening

Tentang hati

Karena meski bukan cermin, riak dan hujan

Kau adalah hembusan anginku

Sahabatku,…

Sering kita lupa, bahwa di antara hiruk pikuk keramaian, kita tetap butuh sahabat kita untuk mendamaikan - bahkan hanya untuk sekedar mendengar...
Pagi ini.. do'aku buat sahabat teman curhat di kampus dulu,
Terlepas dari persiteruan tolol kita dulu, ah... apa jadinya kita tanpa satu sama lain...

Hingga sampai senja,
kembali guratan waktu
Sejenak.

Debu Dalam Angin...

Beberapa hari belakangan ini aku banyak kembali ke kegiatan aku dulu, mencoba membawa semangat kreatifitas, membaca, memasak, foto, berjalan kaki, melihat dengan detil setiap sudut jalan, berpikir soal manusia dan pekerjaannya, mereka-reka pikirannya, dan berpikir banyak soal masa depan.

Dalam sebuah buku yang sedang aku baca kali ini, ada satu paragraf yang sering menjadi pemikiran aku dan suami,.. pikiran sederhana anak manusia jika dalam kesendirian - kemana arah hidup, jika kita dilahirkan menjadi manusia yang biasa-biasa saja, tanpa prestasi berarti, tanpa dosa berarti, maka ke mana kita akan ditempatkan Tuhan. "Akankah aku di tempatkan di surga untuk bukan siapa-siapa, Tuhan? atau ... sedikit kreatifitas sudah cukup untuk membuaku spesial di sana? Bagaimana dengan suami dan anak keturunanku?"

Memang pada akhirnya semua terletak pada bagaimana kita menyikapi hidup. Sering aku bermain kata-kata dengan sahabatku bahwa ketika perasaan lagi haru biru tanpa alasan, mungkin ada pengaruh planet aneh menaungi bumi. Sebuah alasan untuk keragu-raguan dalam hati tentang prestasi, keabsahan kita sebagai manusia, kemaafan Tuhan akan kesalahan... kekuatiran akan masa depan, 

Ingin kadang aku tegur kembali semua sahabat lama, dan juga musuh lama.. atau rekan dalam kolaborasi dosa yang sama, untuk bisa mengingat-ingat perannya, perubahannya, atau tidak adanya perubahan dalam dirinya....

Pagi ini, aku buka file gambar di telepon genggam yang sekarang menjadi teman, buku harian (ke blog yang selalu diisi oleh tulisan2 resahku atau tulisan bahagiaku) dan rekaman mata dan otakku mengingatkan salah satu  lagu yang selalu membuatku menghela nafas panjang - ketika menyadari bahwa kita tidak lebih dari debu dalam angin... tiada yang abadi selain bumi dan langit (dalam tanganNya)

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

Now don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and Sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind

"Tuhan, tidak apa aku menjadi debu dalam hembusan angin - tapi masukkan debuku dalam surgaMU. Karena hanya dengan hembusan hibaMU debuku bisa menyelip di sana..."