That First Hijab Day :)

So I could not sleep at all on Nov 1 night, after thinking, and thinking, and holding colorful hijab in my hands. I tried it and looked at myself in the mirror. I know I am fine, but somehow deep down inside my heart I have this little fear of facing the other side of me, the rebellion side of me. It was not an easy decision,....the responsibility of a hijaber, in my perspective, is huge. I had promised myself, and to Allah, that if I wear hijab, at least I should be able to talk about Islam - talk about how Islam appreciate women, value women above anything else... As a hijaber, I should educate myself, remind my husband, and teach my kids, on Islam. Will I be able to enter that stage in my life? Gosh... I read more references, looked into the face of my husband and kids, how I appreciate the way he is teaching me about Islam - a perfect one indeed...and also how my kids also allow me to learn as a parent... I read more about the hadith on hijab,.... The background of the thoughts behind hijab, figures who are facing good life after hijab, those who face challenges... I remember falling asleep at 3AM.

The next morning, things run as usual. I put on my simple black top, a pair of jeans, then.... I looked into my hijab, or that time I call them scarfs, drawer. I pulled a large black scarf my mother in law gave to me some years ago and had been in that drawer untouched. I wrapped it around my head. I took a deep sigh. I put on my make up and throw a vintage necklace. Took another deep sigh. Am I ready? Yes, .... I thought to myself. Then I set up my goal! I only need 3 days to adapt to the changes! 3DAYS!!! I rushed outside and called Jules. He smiled at me and was like. "Are you sure?" ; with confident I explained it to him. He smiled and said I looked good in it, but most of all is what is inside, which he, as the only person who knows me inside out after my parents and myself, believed strongly that I can do this :)

So we drove to work, and on the way I felt his warmth ness on my decision on hijab. He reminded me of all the challenges I might face from so many things... he reminded the strong women in Islam, the teaching, the Islamic view on women, background of hijab,.,. then got to my office... Then I remember thanking him for all his support on whatever it is my decision and I remember both of my girls! Dasha And Aqila, kept chirping to tell me that I will be fine. Tears went down a bit, not because of sadness, but more of tears of joy, like when you get married, or having babies..or perhaps see the Kabah (even though I never got there yet).... So Allah please help me to be strong....

It's all about personal choice, I mean sholat, fasting, charity, and also hijab. My hijab is not to state that I have changed, I simply wear it because It is my choice to do so, and to run my 'personal business' with my Creator. Tis also does not mean I will see others differently, or see the world differently. Still the same old me.

Hijab is my freedom, as a woman, my choice and I love my family for the support, also my dear friends... If int he next days I changed back, or in the next years, again it will be all my choice. But I say naudzubillah kin zallik to that, as I plan and hope for this hijab to be with me forever. But with all the flaws you might see of me, give me a break,... I am only human :)

Indeed I have done mistakes in the past. Big ones, small ones. I have done things that hurt people,... Things that I so regret but could not change. I cannot change my past, but certainly use all the lesson from it. And I hope those I have hurt can open their kind heart for forgiveness.

So yes, on November 2, 2012,.... Writer of this blog is officially a woman with hijab, and I am proud of it!!!