Lelaki Langit...

Hari ini kembali aku duduk di pos satpam, melanjutkan membaca buku biografi pahlawanku.
Di antara belantara gedung yang masih sepi. Burung saja masih tertipu dengan heningnya angin.
Biasanya aku berhayal, seolah olah aku masih di halaman belakang rumah, duduk dengan buku, secangkir teh, dan hening.... Hal yang sudah lama absen dari agendaku. Ternyata dalam keterbatasan memang selalu ada kenikmatan. Cuma bagaimana kita menyikapinya.

Bab demi bab berlalu, setiap bab selesai, aku pakai untuk memikirkan perjuangan pahlawanku. Pelan pelan aku serapi apa yang ia jalani, ... Berharap aku, Putra, dan anak anak akan bisa berjuang dengan kekuatan dan iman yang sama... Biasanya, aku berpikir sambil melihat rumput, atau bunga asoka yang berjajar, tertutup debu yang lembab oleh embun malam, atau menatap langit, jauh ke atas sana sambil mencoba untuk menembusnya. Spiritku seperti terbang.

Iya, memang akhir akhir ini kami lagi jatuh cinta lagi, dengan pahlawan kami, Sang Lelaki Langit. Duhai rindunya...

Hingga ingin menulis puisi lagi, dengan keterbatasan kosa kata. Tapi ini memang rasa yang sesungguhnya.

....

Cinta tak mengenal jarak dan masa
Hanya berbalur asa

Kubayangkan kelembutanMu di awan
Melukiskan senyumMu di teduhnya bulan
Terik mentari ulasan kegagahan
Jagad raya menjadi kanvas kehadiran
Kekuatan, Maha Kekuatan Abadi

Cinta tak mengenal batas
Selama jantungku berdetak
Dan peluh masih bersimbah
Hingga jasad berkalung tanah
Cinta itu tetap ada
Kupatri dalam darah penerusku
Dengan sujud di embun fajar
Pengharapan di kelam malam
Mengimani kasihMu
Mengukir hidupnya di kehidupanku, dan malaikat malaikat kecil
Serta lelaki pelindungku...

Ash-hadu an laa ilaaha illallah
Wa ash-hadu anna Muhammadan rasulullah
....

Ketika tiba waktunya, gerbang terbuka. Aku menutup buku dan melangkah ke kantor.
Hari ini akan sama dengan yang kemarin. Tapi cintaku, cinta kami semakin bersemi.

Rindu

Diantara deru suara kereta api
Membelah awan yang pucat
Burungpun tersentak dari lamunan
Pelan, kuhirup udara sesak kota
Menghayal dalam lukisan bunga yang berdebu

Koreografi kisahmu, terukir dalam puisi
Lembar demi lembar, ...memecah rindu
Aku rindu ...
Rindu debu kotamu
Oh, Satria Pembelah Bulan
Kau merenggut cintaku
Semoga puisi indahmu, terpatri dalam gerakanku

That First Hijab Day :)

So I could not sleep at all on Nov 1 night, after thinking, and thinking, and holding colorful hijab in my hands. I tried it and looked at myself in the mirror. I know I am fine, but somehow deep down inside my heart I have this little fear of facing the other side of me, the rebellion side of me. It was not an easy decision,....the responsibility of a hijaber, in my perspective, is huge. I had promised myself, and to Allah, that if I wear hijab, at least I should be able to talk about Islam - talk about how Islam appreciate women, value women above anything else... As a hijaber, I should educate myself, remind my husband, and teach my kids, on Islam. Will I be able to enter that stage in my life? Gosh... I read more references, looked into the face of my husband and kids, how I appreciate the way he is teaching me about Islam - a perfect one indeed...and also how my kids also allow me to learn as a parent... I read more about the hadith on hijab,.... The background of the thoughts behind hijab, figures who are facing good life after hijab, those who face challenges... I remember falling asleep at 3AM.

The next morning, things run as usual. I put on my simple black top, a pair of jeans, then.... I looked into my hijab, or that time I call them scarfs, drawer. I pulled a large black scarf my mother in law gave to me some years ago and had been in that drawer untouched. I wrapped it around my head. I took a deep sigh. I put on my make up and throw a vintage necklace. Took another deep sigh. Am I ready? Yes, .... I thought to myself. Then I set up my goal! I only need 3 days to adapt to the changes! 3DAYS!!! I rushed outside and called Jules. He smiled at me and was like. "Are you sure?" ; with confident I explained it to him. He smiled and said I looked good in it, but most of all is what is inside, which he, as the only person who knows me inside out after my parents and myself, believed strongly that I can do this :)

So we drove to work, and on the way I felt his warmth ness on my decision on hijab. He reminded me of all the challenges I might face from so many things... he reminded the strong women in Islam, the teaching, the Islamic view on women, background of hijab,.,. then got to my office... Then I remember thanking him for all his support on whatever it is my decision and I remember both of my girls! Dasha And Aqila, kept chirping to tell me that I will be fine. Tears went down a bit, not because of sadness, but more of tears of joy, like when you get married, or having babies..or perhaps see the Kabah (even though I never got there yet).... So Allah please help me to be strong....

It's all about personal choice, I mean sholat, fasting, charity, and also hijab. My hijab is not to state that I have changed, I simply wear it because It is my choice to do so, and to run my 'personal business' with my Creator. Tis also does not mean I will see others differently, or see the world differently. Still the same old me.

Hijab is my freedom, as a woman, my choice and I love my family for the support, also my dear friends... If int he next days I changed back, or in the next years, again it will be all my choice. But I say naudzubillah kin zallik to that, as I plan and hope for this hijab to be with me forever. But with all the flaws you might see of me, give me a break,... I am only human :)

Indeed I have done mistakes in the past. Big ones, small ones. I have done things that hurt people,... Things that I so regret but could not change. I cannot change my past, but certainly use all the lesson from it. And I hope those I have hurt can open their kind heart for forgiveness.

So yes, on November 2, 2012,.... Writer of this blog is officially a woman with hijab, and I am proud of it!!!

I need to do more

Migod I need to do more!

I need to do more.
Bleah.... I need to do more.
I need to do more?
More?

More!!!
More!
MORE!
Yippie... I need to do more!

:) and I CAN!

Energi Itu Mahal.

Tidak ada puisi hari ini. Tidak ada apa-apa.
Selain mata mengantukku yang tidak bisa mendapatkan nikmatnya tidur.
Setumpuk pekerjaan dan cita-cita yang masih terabaikan.
Aku perlu energi. Tapi tidak dalam bentuk jamu atau kapsul.
Aku perlu perubahan.
Perubahan dalam otak dan hati.
Untuk memacu energi, seperti mesin uap terhadap kapal yang mau berlayar.

Sekarang sudah Desember.
Resolusi tahunan yang memuakkan dan tidak tercapai sudah hampir masuk tengat waktu
Seperti Presiden, aku harus membuat laporan tahunan untuk diriku sendiri yang juga jadi parlemen.
Untuk segudang program kerja yang aku rancang buat diriku sendiri.

Kadang, terhadap diri sendiri aku merasa seperti pemerintah negara "Cincai-cincai" ini..
penuh dengan rencana matang dan ikhtiar,
tapi belum implementasi.

Energi itu mahal.

Kau cermin, tetapi bukan bayangku

Kau riak, tetapi bukan airku

Kau hujan, tapi bukan langitku

Hanya sebahagian kecil

Dalam jam, menit dan detik

Kita duduk, berbicara dalam hening

Tentang hati

Karena meski bukan cermin, riak dan hujan

Kau adalah hembusan anginku

Sahabatku,…

Sering kita lupa, bahwa di antara hiruk pikuk keramaian, kita tetap butuh sahabat kita untuk mendamaikan - bahkan hanya untuk sekedar mendengar...
Pagi ini.. do'aku buat sahabat teman curhat di kampus dulu,
Terlepas dari persiteruan tolol kita dulu, ah... apa jadinya kita tanpa satu sama lain...

Hingga sampai senja,
kembali guratan waktu
Sejenak.