40 + 3 is a good day.

Do you write journals? I used to write it, I used to try to write short fun essays, but them all my old journals I threw away. Which ic kind of funny because I push my children to write a lot, but then I denied my own spirit to write. So this is me trying to be discipline a bit about my writing habbits. Meaning that I have to really dedicate the time, give time to myslef, to sit down, shut up, think, and just pour it in form of words. It does not matter if no one will read it. As writing is a form of meditation. 

So today a writing session again re-inspire me to (not pick a pen and paper) blog. Continue this blog that has been in silence for quiet sometime. This is another way of meditation, aside than green tea, or sketch books, or play with paint, or work with craft... Or get the rooms in my place fully decorated. No excuse. I just have to write. 

40 + 3. This is my age today. I am forty years old and three days. What have I accomplished in life? Perhaps I put too much pressure on myself, or expect too much from myself. But I know I have not done enough for human are created in the most perfect way to be able to do beyond what they can think they can do. So many times I want to be that "human" - able to do the extra, able to achieve ALL my dreams. Yes, dreamer's dreams. 

While I have done a lot, but also I have learned a lot from those surround me. Those you all know immediately, and those that noone knows perhaps. Ups and downs, positives and negatives, I have no regret, for they all shaped me to what I am today. There are people that I value a lot, meaningful, and continue to play role in my life. There are those who I hate, and continue to hate, and I am lucky not to be surrounded by them...

40 + 3. Too long to write all my feelings. But for sure my life is beautiful, and it has started before 40. One thing I learned from today's class: there is no such thing as perfection. No such thing as perfect life. This is why "good" human being will work hard to make life to be "close-to-perfect" . But in writing, in artwork, go free... Write as freely, and dont let the need of perfection become the boundaries of creativity.

40 + 3. I am back with my journals and confuse what to write. But I know, today is a good day and that I have a good "close-to-perfect" life with Jules and my beautiful children :) 

My hamster's name is Virginity

Yesterday I came to a funny quote that says: "Get a hamster, name it Virginity, then loose it. Basically you are also experiencing what other girls are experiencing" - then my colleagues at the office and I, who happened to be all girls, came to a discussion about this virginity issue. We laughed at the funny quote but then realized that how "virginity" is valued differently in different places.

I am pretty straight forward here. I am not saying that the "eastern" people value virginity more than the "western" people. As I see that girls are easily giving up their virginity as well in this part of the wolrd (eastern if I may say as I live here right now) but just dont get exposed so easily. But hey, the number of that "first time incident with the name of so called love" is many times applied here.

That fact was also added by my surprise about 20 years ago when I moved to the U.S. and with my own eyes witness some girls in my school brought their babies to the school. I am talking about a young 9th grader (who obviously kids in high school often thinks they are so "mature" and undestand it all - well kids, you don't! not yet.. not everything yet!) who actually brought a small baby to school as she needed to put the baby in nursery class. The father of the baby? He was just her class mate... and they were not married, they were not dating, but they had a baby. Me as an Asian kid that time had my eyes widened in surprise and soon after I got back to my apartment talked about that new surprise to my Dad. Never had I, 20 some years ago, saw such situation.

Then about a month ago I had a chance again to visit the U.S. and (even though in a hard situation for me and my bosom friend) had to accompany her to the nearest clinic to have her blood work done. Blood work is blood check to see her blood type and so on. This is her way of trying to find out whether her blood type match with her husband. Thus as we asked whether her dear husband should also get checked, I heard (not a surprise anymore) explanation from the doctor that the clinic never offer a check to the man as in many cases they cannot tell who the fathers of the babies that are born in that clinic!!! He gave a crazy statistic as 75% of the birth were with un-identified father and even more crazy 2/3 of those patients were kids between 13 to 16 years of age!!!! It was not only me who were bumped to hear that. My American best friend was also in shock.

Then my head flash back to the conversation I had with my kids baby sitter some years ago, who came from a small village in Sumatra. She somehow expressed her worries to me that she will never marry anyone as she needed to find someone to get her pregnant first. My jaw dropped to the floor - and her argument is because (being so young and innocent) most of those who got married in her village at young age are all already pregnant!

Now... despite that making love with someone for the sake of making love. I personally think that it should not be done before you are legally married. As a Moslem, I go by what is regulated in the Quran that women should respect their own body by not giving it up to any man, to any random man, under the sake of love, unless she is married to her. Islam is concern about this as Islam concern about progeny. Islam care about knowing the father and mother of every child, in order to protect humanity, to protect both women and men. Islam are that women should be valued the highest, with men as the partner who protect them - with women respecting their body and dignity, and have men to also respect their own body and dignity. Islam does not only regulate women, but also men. I know there are a lot of arguments from the community outside of Islam that might view Islam discrediting women, but I suggest that every argument should be based on a level of knowledge about how Islam see women, men and their relationship to each other. Learn it but also set aside all boundaries as you learn. Then it will be a fair perspective and comments.

Anyhow, I am suddenly filling out the pages in this blog not because I want to talk about the specifically above paragraph, or making anyone I love and care feel uncomfortable, or started to feel like "wooow, she is moving to a religious side here" .. no no no.. I am writing this morning because I see news that certain communities in Indonesia recently proposing that there should be virginity test on women before they enter high school - which gladfully was rejected immediately by the Minister of Education and Culture. Well, whoever proposed that idea certainly does not understand that by segregating women from education will just make it worse to their understanding on how important to value themselves. It is like, they have done something un-acceptable and there is no window for them to become better. What is needed in this lovely country of that put the "value of religion" in its principal of statehood (Pancasila, clause 1) is to teach those religious value within their family members from very young age. Parents, be open to your children. Talk to them! Be their friends! Not simply by telling them rights or wrong, but tell them the reasons. Kids today are smarter, thanks to the Internet. The world is smaller, also thanks again to internet and chear airfare - thus we, parents, need to provide logic. Would it be productive if you cage your daughter if they somehow made stupid decision and lose their virginity? Will it be productive if we dont put them in school where they will be "enlightened" with positive ideas and knowledge? Come one! There is always window of forgiveness, opportunities, and hope and we want all our children (yes, I said children, I mean boys and girls) to have those windows. Who are we to judge?

My way of doing it, my husband and I are teaching all my three babies on Islamic values. Why it is important for them to learn the "yes's" and the " no's" in Islam, including the logic. We try to grow our kids to be confident Moslems and not only that, but Moslems who grow in their faith, knowledge and wise in making their decision.

Oh man, I am not judging anyone. Stupid acts? Been there, done that. I might even still repeat the same mistakes or make other mistakes. Knowing this, understanding this, make me and my husband decide that we certainly will not "cage" our kids from getting their opportunities. They are free human being that simlpy "came through me and my husband" - but yep, they are free - and they are equipped with us, their parents, to help them grow. But we will tell them that every act will have consequences, either in their life, or hereafter -- and we will try our hardest to guide them.

So yes, Indonesia, ...okay, some people in Indonesia ;) ,... wake up and smell the durian! You gotta change your family basis system and culture a bit.

This is my personal opinion on a long Wednesday and morning -- and no, our hamster was named Sabrina and she died long time ago. We would never name our pet Virginity :)

 http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2013/08/20/virginity-test-indonesian-students/2675877/

Image source from "The Porcine Odyssey #13" 

Lelaki Langit...

Hari ini kembali aku duduk di pos satpam, melanjutkan membaca buku biografi pahlawanku.
Di antara belantara gedung yang masih sepi. Burung saja masih tertipu dengan heningnya angin.
Biasanya aku berhayal, seolah olah aku masih di halaman belakang rumah, duduk dengan buku, secangkir teh, dan hening.... Hal yang sudah lama absen dari agendaku. Ternyata dalam keterbatasan memang selalu ada kenikmatan. Cuma bagaimana kita menyikapinya.

Bab demi bab berlalu, setiap bab selesai, aku pakai untuk memikirkan perjuangan pahlawanku. Pelan pelan aku serapi apa yang ia jalani, ... Berharap aku, Putra, dan anak anak akan bisa berjuang dengan kekuatan dan iman yang sama... Biasanya, aku berpikir sambil melihat rumput, atau bunga asoka yang berjajar, tertutup debu yang lembab oleh embun malam, atau menatap langit, jauh ke atas sana sambil mencoba untuk menembusnya. Spiritku seperti terbang.

Iya, memang akhir akhir ini kami lagi jatuh cinta lagi, dengan pahlawan kami, Sang Lelaki Langit. Duhai rindunya...

Hingga ingin menulis puisi lagi, dengan keterbatasan kosa kata. Tapi ini memang rasa yang sesungguhnya.

....

Cinta tak mengenal jarak dan masa
Hanya berbalur asa

Kubayangkan kelembutanMu di awan
Melukiskan senyumMu di teduhnya bulan
Terik mentari ulasan kegagahan
Jagad raya menjadi kanvas kehadiran
Kekuatan, Maha Kekuatan Abadi

Cinta tak mengenal batas
Selama jantungku berdetak
Dan peluh masih bersimbah
Hingga jasad berkalung tanah
Cinta itu tetap ada
Kupatri dalam darah penerusku
Dengan sujud di embun fajar
Pengharapan di kelam malam
Mengimani kasihMu
Mengukir hidupnya di kehidupanku, dan malaikat malaikat kecil
Serta lelaki pelindungku...

Ash-hadu an laa ilaaha illallah
Wa ash-hadu anna Muhammadan rasulullah
....

Ketika tiba waktunya, gerbang terbuka. Aku menutup buku dan melangkah ke kantor.
Hari ini akan sama dengan yang kemarin. Tapi cintaku, cinta kami semakin bersemi.

Rindu

Diantara deru suara kereta api
Membelah awan yang pucat
Burungpun tersentak dari lamunan
Pelan, kuhirup udara sesak kota
Menghayal dalam lukisan bunga yang berdebu

Koreografi kisahmu, terukir dalam puisi
Lembar demi lembar, ...memecah rindu
Aku rindu ...
Rindu debu kotamu
Oh, Satria Pembelah Bulan
Kau merenggut cintaku
Semoga puisi indahmu, terpatri dalam gerakanku

That First Hijab Day :)

So I could not sleep at all on Nov 1 night, after thinking, and thinking, and holding colorful hijab in my hands. I tried it and looked at myself in the mirror. I know I am fine, but somehow deep down inside my heart I have this little fear of facing the other side of me, the rebellion side of me. It was not an easy decision,....the responsibility of a hijaber, in my perspective, is huge. I had promised myself, and to Allah, that if I wear hijab, at least I should be able to talk about Islam - talk about how Islam appreciate women, value women above anything else... As a hijaber, I should educate myself, remind my husband, and teach my kids, on Islam. Will I be able to enter that stage in my life? Gosh... I read more references, looked into the face of my husband and kids, how I appreciate the way he is teaching me about Islam - a perfect one indeed...and also how my kids also allow me to learn as a parent... I read more about the hadith on hijab,.... The background of the thoughts behind hijab, figures who are facing good life after hijab, those who face challenges... I remember falling asleep at 3AM.

The next morning, things run as usual. I put on my simple black top, a pair of jeans, then.... I looked into my hijab, or that time I call them scarfs, drawer. I pulled a large black scarf my mother in law gave to me some years ago and had been in that drawer untouched. I wrapped it around my head. I took a deep sigh. I put on my make up and throw a vintage necklace. Took another deep sigh. Am I ready? Yes, .... I thought to myself. Then I set up my goal! I only need 3 days to adapt to the changes! 3DAYS!!! I rushed outside and called Jules. He smiled at me and was like. "Are you sure?" ; with confident I explained it to him. He smiled and said I looked good in it, but most of all is what is inside, which he, as the only person who knows me inside out after my parents and myself, believed strongly that I can do this :)

So we drove to work, and on the way I felt his warmth ness on my decision on hijab. He reminded me of all the challenges I might face from so many things... he reminded the strong women in Islam, the teaching, the Islamic view on women, background of hijab,.,. then got to my office... Then I remember thanking him for all his support on whatever it is my decision and I remember both of my girls! Dasha And Aqila, kept chirping to tell me that I will be fine. Tears went down a bit, not because of sadness, but more of tears of joy, like when you get married, or having babies..or perhaps see the Kabah (even though I never got there yet).... So Allah please help me to be strong....

It's all about personal choice, I mean sholat, fasting, charity, and also hijab. My hijab is not to state that I have changed, I simply wear it because It is my choice to do so, and to run my 'personal business' with my Creator. Tis also does not mean I will see others differently, or see the world differently. Still the same old me.

Hijab is my freedom, as a woman, my choice and I love my family for the support, also my dear friends... If int he next days I changed back, or in the next years, again it will be all my choice. But I say naudzubillah kin zallik to that, as I plan and hope for this hijab to be with me forever. But with all the flaws you might see of me, give me a break,... I am only human :)

Indeed I have done mistakes in the past. Big ones, small ones. I have done things that hurt people,... Things that I so regret but could not change. I cannot change my past, but certainly use all the lesson from it. And I hope those I have hurt can open their kind heart for forgiveness.

So yes, on November 2, 2012,.... Writer of this blog is officially a woman with hijab, and I am proud of it!!!

I need to do more

Migod I need to do more!

I need to do more.
Bleah.... I need to do more.
I need to do more?
More?

More!!!
More!
MORE!
Yippie... I need to do more!

:) and I CAN!

Energi Itu Mahal.

Tidak ada puisi hari ini. Tidak ada apa-apa.
Selain mata mengantukku yang tidak bisa mendapatkan nikmatnya tidur.
Setumpuk pekerjaan dan cita-cita yang masih terabaikan.
Aku perlu energi. Tapi tidak dalam bentuk jamu atau kapsul.
Aku perlu perubahan.
Perubahan dalam otak dan hati.
Untuk memacu energi, seperti mesin uap terhadap kapal yang mau berlayar.

Sekarang sudah Desember.
Resolusi tahunan yang memuakkan dan tidak tercapai sudah hampir masuk tengat waktu
Seperti Presiden, aku harus membuat laporan tahunan untuk diriku sendiri yang juga jadi parlemen.
Untuk segudang program kerja yang aku rancang buat diriku sendiri.

Kadang, terhadap diri sendiri aku merasa seperti pemerintah negara "Cincai-cincai" ini..
penuh dengan rencana matang dan ikhtiar,
tapi belum implementasi.

Energi itu mahal.